Unmotivated in All Four Pillars

TL:DR | Life has hit hard over the past few years, let alone the ride in my whole life. I find myself stuck where I am at, with all Four Pillars being stuck too.

4 min read
Unmotivated in All Four Pillars

I had a peculiar dream last night. It keeps coming back to me today in bits, although I've often had decent recall of dreams throughout my life.

I was with people from work or karaoke, or both, and then we all had to leave for an airplane to go to a new city. I think it was supposed to be a communal trip, but you would go on your own for some reason.

I hopped on a travel bus to get to the airport a couple hours away, and I relized when I got to the airport that I forgot my luggage! No idea how that could have happened, as in real life I am super anxious about that. Always keeping a tight grip on my belongings (even considering that they don't matter, and I could probably detach from them). It was fascinating to think about in retrospect however, as in the dream I just accepted it.

I think even in the dream I considered going back to my city to get them, or I thought about when landing getting the most important missing items.

A decision was made to just go with it, and go without any bags. I had my passport at least in my pocket. So that is all I needed to get on the plane.

Off to the new adventure with nothing but the shirt on my back, and the eagerness to go off. I think that dream is a metaphor for where I am at, and my Pillars are the luggage. Normally I have a pretty strong constitution. My Pillars are usually in a good/decent shape, and all I have to do is pull from one or two to accomplish my goals.,

The Mind Pillar:

I'm so drained, as I am trying to create every day, manage my energy levels in general, and overall just under stimulated.

The challenge of karaoke is no longer there, even at new venues, and I thrived on that thrill. I tried singing with the band on the street, which for me is a bit more of a challenge. However even that isn't enough. In much of my life I found myself playing video games to get my mind going.

The job last month was many small simple systems, that once I learned them, there was little mental stimulation going on for eight hours. I tried listening to audiobooks, but I would get mostly distracted by them than working.

I need to explore a new place, a new city, a new game, a new person, just anything that can excite me about life again.

The Body Pillar:

My age is creeping up on me, and the funny thing is I'm still young. Without that external motivation it makes me look in more. I realize that my back hurts more, my energy levels aren't what they once were, the caffeine intake after all these years coming back to haunt me.

Health is something that started to slip, and I took notice quickly. I have tried to manage my caff intake, as well as manipulate my diet to be as good as I can get it.

The job last month helped me burn off some extra weight, and I also have ate less over the past year. My stomach literally shrank, and now I can't eat as much. Which is good and bad.

I'm not working out as much, but when I do I still go hard at it. I'm maintaining my muscle, and that is what matters. 1% better each day will do that, but I can't stay stagnant.

The Emotions Pillar:

I often combine this with the Social Pillar of life, as for me my emotions often get effected by others. Even small interactions can have a big impact on me good or bad. However your emotions also come from within as well, and understanding why you are feeling something when you may not have an external reason is hard.

I meditated a bit today on it, and part of it was external. I was alone, physically alone, no more lessons today, roommate gone for work, family busy, friends busy, and I was by myself.

That is okay.

After the emotional roller coaster that was last month, there is probably time needed to heal and move on. I still yearn for a connection, and I keep going to Karaoke in hopes that maybe I can find something. Even if it is just a fling, I felt that it would be a fun time.

The Spirit Pillar:

I sort of lied on this part, but I'm not sure if to you, or myself. My Spirit Pillar is getting the most attention than it has in ages.

The full-time work of the job, mental boredom and strain, and then the emotional turmoil of infatuation all drained me last month. I was already not in the best state when I started. Since all three hit at once I reached a surprisingly new low, and that opened me to new avenues of making progress.

I can't sit idlely by while I am crumbling, it just won't happen, and so I looked to philosophy. Lead myself through some hard/dark days with Stoicism and Taoism.

“When we reach our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.”  
 ―Avatar Aang

Made me appreciate the small stuff more, reignite my minimalist side, and push myself to get through the hardships. To be honest compared to the hardships for many people in the world, they might not seem that bad, but to me it was brutal.

I tried to keep a smiling face, but that smile was fading. I pulled through with grit from my Spirit Pillar, and I hope I can keep that up while I build up the other Pillars again.

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