My Four Pillars Misaligned

I thought I'd write out a quick Fireside Codex entry because I have been feeling really out of shape lately. I think there is this feeling of longing that everyone has been going through since quarantine, and that is certainly part of it.

However I am at a point in my life where there are a lot of changes too. I find myself still in my hometown, when I have been wanting to travel for the past five years really. I find myself lacking any sort of romantic connection for more than a few dates max, and even then usually not even that. Not to mention just traditional stress too, such as trying to get PolyInnovator LLC off the ground.

This isn't some sort of trivial endeavor, but rather the underlying basis for the rest of my life. That sort of thing is not built over night, and I need some sort of isolated business made over night so I can pay bills. Poly is not that, but rather the umbrella for all/any other endeavors.

So I feel this pressure to succeed with Poly, but I also need to focus my attention elsewhere.

Why are the Four Pillars so Important to our lives?

This may just be a journal entry post, but I do understand that some people may check it out to see how other people (in this case myself) handle their life pillars.

So when I speak on the Four Pillars, then I am referring to the MIND, BODY, SPIRIT, and EMOTIONS aspects of our lives.

These are the main pillars of our existence from my own point of view. However it seems that this philosophy is repeated across cultures and time.

The Melting Body

I have always for as long as I can remember, had heartburn/acid reflux, and that type of physical ailment is something so hard to ignore. Growing up meals weren't always prepared at home, for whatever reason (it doesn't really matter now; It wasn't the financial), and that left me fending for myself. Oftentimes for my sister as well. This caused me to really eat out a lot, and at the time I was a teenager too I drank a lot of soda/caffeine products.

I bring this up because going into my younger adult years my diet was in disarray. I had no routine, was still learning about proper carbs/protein/caloric ratios, and my groceries were not really healthy. Sure you can get away with that at that age, but I needed to gain weight in addition to teaching a ton of fitness classes.

Meaning my needs were 3x higher than most people, and I ended up calculating the caloric goal around 4000+ calories a day.

I've gotten better about all of that for the most part, I understand more now, and I teach a lot less so my needs are less too. However I still feel unhealthy, and not fully reaching my nutrition potential.

Exercise wise I am decreased from work, and so I have gained too much fat in my professional opinion. Making me have even more body dysmorphia, on top of the "not enough muscles" stuff I normally deal with since teenagehood.

All in all, my heartburn still is around, and I can't tell what is causing it truly. My body feels a lack of energy too.

A "Micro-Phase"

I feel that this was important to note because my phases for PolyInnovator, are greatly linked to how I operate my life too. When I have routine, then it helps me systematize the rest of life.

However between the micro-phase of doing interviews a couple years ago, and now I have this blog post "mountain" of posts I have been going through; There is this lack of consistency, and it also has to do with not having a "main" job either.

The Clouded Mind

I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing, or mistakes I made in the past. I.e. not repurposing all of my interviews while doing them. Although I literally couldn't have, with the sheer amount of ones I was getting through.

I've tried and tried to calm my mind, but anytime I give myself crap for procrastinating. Then I end up getting upset for doing it, and that upset then makes me want to procrastinate even more.

I feel as if there is a fog clouding my mind, and the Defog TM is no where to be found. Even when taking Nootropics, exercising, or even drinking (which I don't recommend as a viable option), none of them gets my brain into a decent state. I'm not sure if it has to do with multiple Pillars being out of line, and that is manifesting in the Mind Pillar from multiple angles. Alternatively, there could be just a simple factor of my sleep schedule. In any case I can't think as clearly as I felt I did before.

An Emotional Waterfall

As a man we are taught not to share our emotions, but I have been actively trying to go against that. I've always been a well of emotion, and I also try to go for radical honesty. It makes things simpler, albeit harder too though. I still can't cry much, but my late mentor told me ages ago that I should. I try to remember him, and that helps me express more. Tomorrow is actually his birthday, so I wonder if subconsciously I am mourning him too.

All of my adult life there has been stress in the family, and I mean sure every family has that too. However deep stuff, people going off the grid from everyone else, custody issues, divorce, and more. Between all of that drama, there is a lot to process in the emotional realm.

As a passionate being I have always yearned for romance, even back in middle school, as I was just that kind of person who loved love. Yet I almost have never experienced it. Only a couple short relationships, and even that was when I was younger. That missing chunk leaves a sinking feeling to.

Basically this all adds up to emotional weight, and it is hard to deal with sometimes.

The Spiritual Blockage

Spirituality has always been my weakest and strongest (in a way) I think. I haven't really ever stated that before because of the fear of what my more logical colleagues might think. There is a balance to maintain between science and philosophy, or the material and esoteric.

I've spent many of years trying to find myself within. I don't meditate nearly as often as I should, but it truly does help the other Pillars greatly. As someone who isn't religious, there has always been a part of me that follows the universe if you will. Perhaps even before I discovered the system that is Taoism, or other various philosophies from around the world. I followed my gut intuition, and in most cases it was right. One could explain that through science via the brain cells in the stomach; However I think it is more of following the flow.

Once you find your center
You are sure to win
-Mulan

The universal order, of which when I typed that I didn't think of Taoism or Wu Wei, but rather Astronomy and Quantum mechanics.

One thing to note is one of my favorite books that combines both. The deep philosophies with the hard sciences in a magnificent way.

Climbing out of the Rut

I can't say I am successfully climbing out, if anything I feel like I'm digging a deeper hole. I find myself stressed out everyday, and I realized that I don't think there was a point in my life where I wasn't stressed.

That isn't a healthy way to live life.

It isn't that I haven't tried to relax more, even meditate or let things go, but I overthink things. Every little thing can be drawn out in my head, but I strive to take a logical stance. That happened in the past, it can't be changed, and there is no point in wallowing over it.

One of my biggest spiritual beliefs is that there is someone out there for me, it is almost that I can feel it in my gut. Sounds floaty but I don't care, as that means it is only a matter of time. That I can look forward to, and it gives me solace.

Physically I'll keep trying to improve my state, mentally I strive for clear thoughts, emotionally I'll regulate, and spiritually I'll grow.