It has been a while since I wrote a personal yet public journal entry, which I call the Fireside Codex.
Akin to a fireside chat if you will. I write this on the eve of Christmas, where I find myself in my feels.
The holidays have always been rough since teenagehood, although I do recall the happy holiday feelings. The times waking up and actually being excited for them.
Whether it be Thanksgiving, Halloween, Birthday, or alas the pinnacle holiday (at least in the states)... Christmas.
Some part of me has grown jaded, and I lost that innocence of purity that the holidays possess.
Regardless if you're actually christian or not, the point of Christmas is to spend time with loved ones and share gifts.
I write this in a pure flow of mind, which is not something I have felt in some time. Perhaps it is because I am having mixed feelings about waking up tomorrow on Christmas morning. Am I excited for it, or am I dreading it?
In my teenage youth I had a lot of stressful Christmases due to family drama or fighting.
It left a sour feeling for a holiday that I once held dear.
I hope that one day perhaps I can find that holiday spirit once again.
Maybe it might take time.
Perhaps to the point where I have a bunch of grandkids myself. I know that my grandmother aims to create a nice experience for us. I just wish the rest of my family members shared that sentiment.
Some family members are missing, others protest being with certain people, and I am left here just wanting to be a good family member. A good son, grandson, nephew, or a jolly christmas partaker.