The Existential Anxiety of Time

TL:DR | While on a walk I got hit with time anxiety. The fear of not enough time, or that feeling of being lost. This feeling is hard to describe, but I tried to in this fireside codex entry.

2 min read
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For most of my life I've thought about existential terror, and for the most part could climb out it. What I did not expect to happen is what has been happening lately. The existential anxiety, that is popping up frequently, but for short bursts.

I'll be able to get myself out of it through Taoism or Stoicism. I.e. Momento Mori being a key help.

It wasn't until about a year ago, give or take a month, where I had my first two mini panic attacks. They had been induced by this "romance" that was fleeting, or so I thought. This year I actually had a similar experience, although a bit more depth involved, but in a shorter timespan. This may have been part of the reason as well.

Given that I took a trip last week to another state, and experienced being around people like me for the first time. I got a sense of community, and I reveled in it. I talked to as many people as I could. Over the course of the week however it all caught up to me.

From going to dry air from humid, to a rise in elevation, and the sheer amount of social energy spent. By the end of the week I was completely burnt out and stressed (and I like social situations). As it turns out that stress must have lowered my immune system because I got sick.

The Trouble of Breathing

When you are anxious the very best thing for you to do is BREATHE. Not only did I already sort of know that, but after my first to surprising experiences someone I know in the medical field even confirmed it.

However I found this week that I have lobar pneumonia, which at least is temporary. It does make it hard to breathe, and that counteracts the action I need to do when I get anxious.

At least with medicine it calms some of the extremes of the pain, no longer sharp stabbing pain, and thus I can breathe deep. I'm also doing as much cardio as I can to strengthen my lungs.

I opened my windows, turned on the fan, and I am doing much better now.

Time Anxiety

I've always thought there wasn't enough time in life. I'm only 28, and yet I feel like I am so behind. I know from my older clients in the past that I am still a baby. Gary Vee talks about this all the time too, you have so much more ahead.

I can't help but feel like I'm using up my prime years for something that could be spent on LIVING.

After spending a week or so on this trip, and experiencing each go after the last. As the events that transpired were timed with the days. I've spent so many days that just all blur together because I manage my own time.

This change in how time flows, me being late to a keynote because of some other opportunity cost. Etc. That real sense of time hit me hard, especially when I came back.

Already it is 12:01 PM as I write this, and yet I haven't fully gotten done what I wanted to this morning. While I'm not wasting time, and I do need to recover. There is this internal sense of urgency, that is not being quelled.

I know I am radical in my sense of thinking, and how I approach life. It is just who I am. It may not seem like much from this post, but the world I see isn't what the person next to me does.

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