Stuck in a Cloud

TL:DR | We built this house. On memories. I have built my house of my life, on the memories of my future. I aim to forge my own Legacy.

6 min read
Stuck in a Cloud

The point of the #FiresideCodex is to be a journal of sorts of my trials, tribulations, and notebook entries of codices.

I have strayed from that ideal, and treated them a bit too much like traditional blog posts. I have a lot of emotions, changes, and overall processing going on. My brain is overwhelmed, and chained to the format of the past. Eager to shed the skin of the old me, and form the new one. I've told people for years, half a decade even, that I would travel/move/etc. Even going as far as to say I'd work on a cruise if I have to, although with the pandemic of yesteryear I would presumably not do that.

Gary Vee talks about the Clouds and Dirt, or macro and micro. Getting nitty gritty, or seeing the big picture. I pride myself in being able to ride the balance, but I am a head in the clouds person. I failed many of my schooling days purely because I could not focus on the present moment.

I have gained the ability to be present in my current stage in life, but with my worries of what comes next I have failed to do such a thing.

What I am listening to as of writing, and as of late:

house of memories ~ panic! at the disco ( tiktok version )

This next week is the final week I will be teaching Aquatics Exercise, at least for now, and at least at the ARC my place of work. It has been the 2nd half of a decade since I started. 6-7 years by my count given all the types of classes I've taught.

I intend on teaching swimming of course still, although outside of my former teaching place of work. I make more, and can make a greater impact outside of there. As I have been doing each Summer the past few years, especially during Covid minimizing my contact with as little people as possible.

With my path ahead leaving the classes behind me, it is a freeing notion. I cannot help but think I am doing what is best. That is a fear I faced for years, as I felt that if I left the classes then it would be bad. Whether I'd be leaving my students without a teacher, my boss in a tight spot, me without the social connection, or even just that it wouldn't be the right time in my life. I wouldn't be able to move quick enough, and I would suffer from that.

I had strongly considered quitting even in 2019, and even going as far as to write up a resignation letter. One that I reworked for the one in 2021, and placed the date to be Oct 4th 2021. The date of which the pool was intended to close for renovations. It would proceed to be delayed until Nov 13th, and thus my resignation I felt would be best to postpone until the end of Oct. Giving an additional month to ease the transition, and soon after everyone assumed I would be staying until the close in Nov. I decided that I would since that was the common expectation, and I could have said no; However it felt right to stay another couple weeks.

Although this would be the last extension, regardless if the pool closes in this next week I will be done for this time. I can always venture back if I decide to, move on to a new city and teach, or move onto digital realms of teaching.

A Praise to the Future

As someone who considers himself a futurist, and looks to where I could be next; There is often this dissonance between who I think I am based off of who I want to be, and who I think I am based off my actions of the past. I feel that this is a common human condition, but for myself ever prevalent.

The longer we yearn for a better tomorrow, the less we do anything about it in the present to create it, and the failure then transpires in our minds. Leading to a downward cycle, and one that can hurt.

"Cause I remember You..."

Every act of my life has formed who I am in this moment, and the path I choose to go forth with form the next version of me.

This is how I think, and it complicates even the most simplest actions. I always refer to Steve Job's connect the dots speech, almost as if it was incomplete. I think we can connect the dots looking forwad by placing the paths between them ahead of time. We create the connections, and thereby finding the dots as they come.

This opportunist mindset is a great asset to have, and with that philosophy comes a stress that of "what am I doing now"? Thinking to oneself that "is what I am doing now going to help me with what I intend from my life?". That level of self-reflection even escapes myself, and as I said before I believe I am prideful of my futurespectiveness.

However when the fantasys of the future become the legacy of your past, it is then that we are living now.

My point to the reflection escaping me is that, whether it is the lack of confidence in this moment of writing of my ability (regardless if it is a high level or not), or perhaps a moment of revealing of weakness. The point remains that I am creating the roadblock for myself by thinking this way.

I want to achieve the goals I have in mind, and the luster of it all keeps me from seeing clearly.

"If you're a lover, you should know
The lonely moments just get lonelier
The longer you're in love
Than if you were alone"

I don't speak of my sex or romantic life much outside of friends. However I felt it prudent at this juncture simply because of a recent fling. I guess by intentionally writing it as such perhaps leads me to how I percieve it subconsciously. As I wrote it in flow, but I had a lovely connection with a woman this past weekend. We both craved touch and a connection from another. Our paths crossed once again, and we shared a abstinent night.

The lustful evening became one of learning about each other, and made me realize just how much I love the simple things in courting. Whether it is simply kissing, learning one's desires, or making the other person feel warmth from the heart. Made me think of the way that of Giacomo Casanova would approach a connection with someone. Not to overstate my own abilities however, and my intentions rarely ever originate from a sexual desire.

I am sharing all of this for one reason.

For the simple truth that it lead me to believe. I am a lover at heart, and that doesn't have to be sexual. It is the source of my charisma and empathy, and most likely why I succeeded at teaching for as long as I did.

I've been able to tap into that charisma to make people feel loved and welcome. The same actions I take when teaching I do as well when having a guest on the PolyCast. One of my first ever thoughts when having the opportunity to have someone on my show; Was that of I should make sure I know everything. As much as I can about a person, so that if some small thing comes up I can pull on that string. Bringing it out into the fold of the conversation, weaving it into the narrative of that person's life. For the polymathic mindset is to incorporate each aspect of one's expertise into the singular person. Someone could be an expert at something, and never consider it in a professional conversation.

" ..we built this house

On memories

Take my picture now

Shake it til you see it

And when your fantasies

Become your legacy"

Take a snapshot of who you are right now, again I am not sure why I am addressing YOU the reader. This is meant for me, but I write to share myself. I was about to say knowledge, but it is more than that. It is me, my knowledge, my life, my love, my intentions, my goals, all to you. However that you can be the future of me looking back and reflecting. It could be my successor. It could be my family missing me. It could be some random person who came across this via SEO, and felt compelled by my words.

So I reiterate myself, take a snapshot of who You are, and you will see the consequences of your previous actions. Additionally, you will see the seeds sowing into your future.

Right now I am sowing the seeds to pay of my minor debts, save up for my living expenses in the future, working as much as I need, and creating more and more of my online presence.

I create far more than many creators, in many more platforms than most, but I still feel incapable of being at the level I foresee myself being. Meaning there is a skill gap, habit gab, and/or person gap of who I NEED to be.

I Will Get There.

NOW Page #16 Nov 2021
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NOW Page #16 Nov 2021

In the time it takes to make this video I could have allocated it to something else. What are the priorities, and timeblocking ideas that I can do to change my life? I ask, what is happening Now in life?

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