Anxiety that I'm in the Wrong Timeline

Now ignore the dramatic nature of that, as getting into the topic of the multiverse and timelines is eccentric.

However that is what it FEELS like, and I keep getting these bursts of pre-anxiety perhaps is what I can call them?

Sometimes I go down the spiral, but these pre-bouts that are hitting me. They feel like the process of starting to panic, and I try to ignore or move past them. So that they don't lead me to hyperventilating or something of the sort.

A couple years ago I had my first couple panic attacks, although I called them more mini-panic attacks. As I was able to get myself out of them after some meditative breathing, but it was not easy and it was a scary thing.

They occurred because a big change was about to happen at the end of that month. Something that in the grand scheme doesn't matter, but to me in that moment was a big deal.

The feeling leading up to them, is what I feel that I am experiencing now.

I've made so much progress, but yet I feel like I have so much left to do. I'm obsessing over getting it done. Particularly before I move to Austin, but I also haven't been working very hard it seems.

I want to keep pressing on forward, and who knows maybe when I get a couple big things done, or perhaps once I move the worries will subside.

For many years it feels like I should have been down there, and since I haven't been. Then it feels like every year is digging me a hole I have to climb out of before taking the next step forward.

Most of us have heard about the Covid Pause, where people feel like their life was on pause during the quarantine time. I sort of feel that way, but I made use of the time.

Earlier this year I had a pretty great job, and a boss I really liked. However the work itself was not quite what I wanted to do. As the workload kept increasing, and I was still juggling swimming, karaoke, and of course all of my content (3 yt channels for example). I felt overwhelmed.

I decided to no longer work that job at the end of the contract.

Some parts of me regret that decision, as I need the income now terribly, and I cannot for the life of me get a job. Even a trivial one like a barista or store clerk.

Just inducing that same feeling again of did I make the wrong decision?

Part of me faced this same thought process when I decided not to go to college.

Basically coming down to choices. I sometimes wonder what people I missed out on meeting because I left that job for example. Or what people ignored me in my younger 20's because I didn't have a degree.

Would they have been worth it? Maybe, maybe not.

Can't stress on that too much.

Then of course there is all of the macro events going on, where people all around the world are suffering.

The course of the elections in the last decade, the course of climate change, and more. It all feels like we went down the wrong timeline as a planet.

I don't know what I will achieve from this post, and honestly the idea of opportunity cost scares me. In some cases I believe it doesn't truly exist, but in the grand scheme of things it must doesn't it?

Perhaps this is the trial that every person has to face. A realization that once it comes you have to forsake your regret.

You have to realize you made a decision, and whether or not you stick to it. It DID happen, and the choices you make going forward should reflect that.